


Right in Front of My Eyes (But I Can't Seem to See)

by diosraphael (forfitzsimmons)



Series: Hotel DuMort Chronicles (Saphael) [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Training, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 09:59:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6370381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forfitzsimmons/pseuds/diosraphael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon is attempting to learn some control (and Raphael tries the empathetic approach).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Right in Front of My Eyes (But I Can't Seem to See)

“You have to let go,” Raphael’s smooth voice brushed over Simon’s ear, his arms almost crushing them together.

“Maybe you should let go,” Simon retorted, but he knew it wasn’t likely. He was supposedly learning control and the only way that would work was if he was restrained while he learned to cope. “Couldn’t you have like chained me to a wall or something?”

“You underestimate your strength, fledgling. Your newborn desperation makes you stronger than mere chains. They would have to be carved with symbols of your faith and then you’d just injure yourself. You haven’t even been noticing that you keep jerking towards the blood, have you?”

Simon became aware that he was straining against Raphael’s grip and stilled. He couldn’t even see the blood because of the blind-fold over his eyes, but he could smell it and that was all that mattered to his newly developed instincts. Just remembering it was there made the smell stronger and he began straining against Raphael again.

“You need to relax. Adjust to the smell, realize that it is ever-present. Don’t aim to ignore it, embrace it.” His grip tightened and Simon wondered if it was difficult to hold back and not crush bones or if the fledgling strength would fade when he gained control. Would control over his instincts mean control over his newfound power too?

“Easier said than done, you know. You’ve had hundreds of years to get this stuff down! I don’t have decades. My mom is probably freaking out right this second!” He was beginning to relax despite his hunger. He could still feel his fangs pinching his lower lip, but he wasn’t straining. Yet, for some reason, Raphael’s grip tightened for a moment before relaxing.

“Dios mio, how old do you think I am?”

“I don’t know, a couple hundred?” Simon always imagined that being someone’s second in command and then becoming leader of a clan had to mean he was old enough to be qualified. Unlike with mundanes, it was the old people that were powerful and the young that needed the most help.

“Not even close. Try again.”

“You have to be at least a hundred, right?”

“Wrong.” Simon imagined Raphael rolling his eyes.

“For real? How old are you?”

“Try 78.”

“Well, you’re still younger than my grandmother, but you’ve still had a long time to get all this stuff down.”

“You talk too much.” Raphael released his grip on Simon to untie the blindfold, leaving Simon looking straight at the glass of blood.

Simon was about to lunge for the table when Raphael pulled him back. It was worse now that he could see the blood just sitting there, like it was waiting for him. Just thinking about consuming it made him feel ill and desperate at the same time. His fangs slid farther out, cutting his lip.

After a long silence, Simon spoke, “You know, I used to be a vegetarian.” It was a statement that Simon knew Raphael was likely to laugh at, but for some reason he didn’t. Instead, he spoke just as solemnly.

“I did not learn all that I know in decades. It was more like weeks, maybe months. I had been damned, but I was young, your age, and all I wanted was to go home to my mother and brothers,” Raphael spoke with more empathy than Simon had thought he possessed. “I forced myself to learn what I’m teaching you on an unsafe timeline. I learned to wear my cross without much pain, starved myself to test my limits, ran through holy ground, choked and bled on the name of God.”

Simon swallowed, still uncomfortably aware of the blood just waiting for him to consume. “What are you trying to say?”

“I am saying that I can help you regain some things, but not everything. You have to consume blood to survive and you will never see the sun rise after a dark night. You will watch your loved ones grow old without you and it will hurt. You need to realize that these things are inevitable and mundane normalcy will only last so long, a few decades at best.”

Though he didn’t need to, Simon began to breathe heavily. He felt like he was choking and his eyes stung painfully. The unexpected action shocked the tears from his eyes. It almost seemed like a cruel joke, to be crying bloody tears over being a vampire. Simon resolved right then and there that he’d make the most of what he could and learn how to go back to his mother and sister soon.

“How long did it last you?” Simon whispered, hoping the question wouldn’t destroy what was happening between them, whatever it was.

Simon could feel Raphael tense behind him and wondered if he had gone too far. He could feel his mentor lower his head against Simon’s back. After a moment of silence, the older vampire answered.

“Last year. I lost my youngest brother last year.” Raphael murmured the words so quietly into Simon’s thin sweater that Simon had strain to hear him. Raphael lifted his head and Simon restrained himself from sighing at the feeling. He spoke firmly, but with a trace of something Simon couldn’t decipher, “I apologize if I’m impatient with your training, but I know if you want any chance of seeing them before something happens to them, you’ll need to learn fast. These are dangerous times, Simon. Any day could be a loved one’s last—or ours.”

“I know,” Simon replied gravely. He took a deep unneeded breath to steady himself. “Okay, I’m ready.”

The hands restraining him tightened once again, but to Simon it still felt like an embrace, like he wasn’t being held back, but rather held up. He focused on the glass of blood on the table in front of him and let it surround him, let it have its way with his senses. He strained and struggled for a moment, but he thought of his mother and sister and relaxed. Maybe he was a monster, but he was a monster that was going to learn control and protect his family.

Raphael let go completely and walked out in front of Simon, grabbing the glass of blood. He looked Simon right in the eye and walked forward. Simon clenched his jaw, knowing he would have to restrain himself on his own this time. Raphael walked closer until the glass was right under his nose. A few seconds passed before he had to jerk away, fangs sliding out and eyes dilated.

“That was half-decent for your first try. We’ll attempt that for longer periods every day.” He took a sip from the glass before handing it over to Simon. “I think you earned the rest of it.”

Simon downed the glass in one go, earning an eyebrow raise from Raphael, but nothing more. Once Simon calmed down, he looked over to his mentor, who happened to be checking his phone—probably got a text from Lily or Elliot during training. For the first time, Simon didn’t feel alone or frustrated or terrified when he looked at his new leader. Instead, he smiled.

“Thank you,” Simon whispered, not sure he wanted Raphael to hear it or not. The only indication that maybe he had heard was a small smile that graced Raphael’s face. For some odd reason, Simon felt warm seeing Raphael smile despite him being incapable of feeling temperature differences now. He shook his head, it was probably just the blood kicking in. Still, Simon kept a smile plastered on his face even when Raphael snapped at him to stop staring. Today had been the start of something for once not terrible and Simon wasn’t going to let that go anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a note that in the books, Clary does mention that Simon had been a vegetarian and I just feel like that made the whole vampire thing that much worse.


End file.
